Mourning to a New Dawn

The other day a patient came into the office reporting that his mother had died only a few weeks before from a heart attack. The encounter reminded me that it's not unusual for those of us in the business of mental health to be faced with the need to console a patient experiencing acute loss. Due to the complexity and individuality of each person's experience, I try to find words that are broad enough to provide some comfort in the early days.

So what might general words of consolation be? To begin with, I always clarify that one doesn't get over a loss, one digests it. I choose these words carefully because I want the patient to know that though I am trying to provide consolation it is not at the expense of diminishing the magnitude of the life experience the patient is trying to cope with.

I also remind the patient that the pain they are experiencing is a function of the love they have for the person or pet they have lost. The process of mourning is something we professionals have studied a good deal because loss is universal. One of the things we know is that over time, the initial intense pain of loss recedes to the point where the comfort and support of the love that is behind the pain begins to emerge. I use the analogy of a coin. On one side is the raw pain experienced in the initial period of mourning; on the other is love. Over time, the coin will slowly start to turn in the direction of that love.

Finally, I assure my patient that the healing of the wound mourning has created is a transformative process. There will be a time when the patient will discover that the attributes of the person they have loved and admired will in an important way be found within themselves. Loss creates a wound that has a natural tendency to heal unless there are splinters in the wound. It is our job as therapists to identify these splinters if they are there, but in the early stages we all understand that what the patient needs most is our understanding presence.

-- I have previously written a more extensive blog post on mourning.