Thoughts on Trauma Bonding

Over 20 years ago the respected psychologist and author Patrick Carnes coined the term, 'trauma bonding.' He defined his concept succinctly:

“A betrayal bond is a bonding pattern that develops from intermittent abuse and intense emotional experiences, where the victim becomes deeply attached to the person who causes them harm — often feeling unable to leave the relationship, despite the damage it causes.”

As therapists, our curiosity as to why people will repeatedly engage in destructive relationships dates back as far as Freud who in the early 1900s described what he called the 'repetition compulsion.' One is also reminded of literature — particularly Somerset Maugham’s novel Of Human Bondage — when considering this topic. Let's examine trauma bonding through our modern lens.

There are a number of psychological types that can be vulnerable to destructive attachments. The most obvious are individual who have been exposed to trauma during childhood. Many of these people are diagnosed with either complex-PTSD or Borderline Personality disorder. What are the attributes of these individuals that might lead them to feel trapped in destructive relationships?

What first comes to mind is identity disturbance. If a person does not have a solid sense of self it is easy to imagine such an individual as being easily manipulated. I’ve worked with many women, for example, who have a history of abusive relationships and who attach themselves to narcissistic, controlling partners. These men often view a prospective partner as a trophy and will flatter and indulge her to win her affection. The woman, unsure of her worth, craves validation and may fall prey to the cliché, 'love is blind.' Once "won over," she is placed on the narcissist’s shelf: admired, retained, and controlled, but not respected as an individual.

A second attribute of the vulnerable is dependency. If one has not developed independence, a narcissistic charmer can provide the illusion of providing basic security, a promise of friendship, and financial stability.

A third and insidious attribute of potential victims is irrational quilt. Childhood victims of trauma can have an extraordinary capacity to assume blame for their childhood abuse. I have seen far too many people with a sense of hating themselves who, in fact, have grown up in a childhood world that was hateful to them.

So what can we do to help? It begins with creating a sense of emotional safety in the therapeutic relationship. Progress is incremental. Over time, we hope the patient gradually absorbs the therapist’s respect and regard — internalizing it with an improved sense of self. Distortions such as irrational guilt and self-blame are slowly processed and challenged. Traumatized patients often have intense feelings bottled up, not the least of which is anger. As these feeling are experienced and expressed, not infrequently directed toward the therapist, the patient can begin to see that anger can be modulated, and expressed constructively in the context of a safe and trusting environment.

With time, those who have grown up in unloving and unsafe environments can draw strength from the disciplined love of the therapeutic relationship — cultivating the capacity to seek and recognize genuine love in their external world.